We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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