so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
