____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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