why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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