my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
