New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
