Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
