I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
