Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize