At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
