Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
