The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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