is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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