was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
