I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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