we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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