I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
