Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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