just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
