I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
