If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
