I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
