Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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