theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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