you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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