i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
