If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
