stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
