we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
