I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
