At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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