Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
