I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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