READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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