what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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