hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize