booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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