god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
