I puked a lego.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
