Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
