If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
someone owes me an orgasm
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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