Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
