forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
