I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
