why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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