I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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