When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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