I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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