I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
