I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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