Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
