Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
