i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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