just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
