hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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